Tag Archives: struggles

It’s Gone

I’ve never been ready. I’m still not ready. I don’t know how to express what’s inside and I’ve never been able to prepare myself for the responses I may receive. I’m still not prepared. This was an immensely difficult post to write and share, and my only request is that any responses could be thought out sensitively and lovingly. I’m battling this out the best way I can, and I fear that in sharing, I may retreat even further. I know that as soon as I share this, I will want to wither up into a ball. I will feel small, judged, useless, and far, far away from where I want to be. However, I also hope that in sharing, I leave some of this darkness behind. With that hope leading the way, here we go.

There are parts of my story that I just can’t talk about yet. This part of my story has been clawing its way out for a while now and I suppose the monster finally got out.   I’m sorry in advance, this is not an uplifting post. I know that this blog has served to bring light and love and hope to some, and that has always been my prayer and my purpose. More than that, I’ve always made it my purpose to be honest and genuine, no matter how raw it may be.  There is a gaping hole in my soul that can’t seem to be filled, and to keep it inside seems to be untrue to you and untrue to my journey.

I don’t know how to start, because the brokenness of my spirit seems so fragmented that I’m not sure I can.

The gaping hole? My faith. It’s gone. It wasn’t a decision. It can’t be forced back in. (Please, I beg of you not to try.) I’ve tried. I’m still trying.  Oh if I could only describe to you the desperation in which I have called out to God, the broken-hearted tears that I have sobbed, the emptiness in scouring the Bible for that glimmer of truth and light that used to always find me in the darkness.

The best way I can describe how I feel is as if someone has died; someone so dear to me that a piece of me died with them. I suppose that is true in a way.

I’ve had dark moments, but in those times- the light always shone in the window to guide me home. Today, I am lost in the woods and the candle has quit burning.

It’s not like I’ve become a drug addict, I’m not sleeping around, and I don’t party so hard that I don’t know what day it is (all things thought to lead to a lack of faith within the church world) My life looks the same.  I just. Don’t. Feel. God’s presence anymore. Surprisingly, life didn’t end there.

But I won’t sugar coat it either and try to tell you that everything is ok. I’m less patient, I’m less kind, and I’m less capable. My depression, which used to hit me hard somedays but always lifted shortly after, has become persistent, overbearing, and debilitating at times. I’m not going to deny that this isn’t a massive battle for my mental health as well as my spiritual life.

I am just a girl who has had some crappy things happen. In the midst of the pain I sought God’s comfort. I sought Biblical counsel. I desperately ran after healing. I busied myself with things that I love doing. I tried to do the right things and often failed, I’ll admit that. I tried to find meaning in the healing, and purpose in the journey. More and more, as the feelings of being lost, hopeless and the overwhelming desperation settled in, I felt myself floundering and often wondering why I was doing what I was doing, but I was just trying to survive. I still am.  I needed a break from feeling completely, and utterly broken. I think the worst part is having grown up in the church. I know all the answers that I could possibly hear:
1. I need to pray more.
2. I need to go to church more.
3. I need to just let God love me more.
4. I need more time in a community (which is effing hard when you are dealing with external and internal demons)
5. I’m probably making sinful choices that block me from sensing God’s love.
6. “Here are the top 10 verses when faith is hard.”
7. ETC…

(I even know that some people will be thinking, “no, you don’t do anything– it’s God who does the work”)

I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that I resented every word.  Songs that used to encourage now discourage. Quotes that used to inspire now breed hopelessness. I always wanted to be a better version of myself, because I was never good enough– and now I just wonder why I felt that way? Outside of the church, I have never felt more loved for my brokenness and struggles– loved Just as I am. Seem backwards to anyone else? Please hear me when I say that I don’t think it was the fault of any church body that I attended. I just wasn’t in a place where being at church seemed to help more than hinder. (I attended an amazing church for the past few years, I want to say that right now.) I  don’t understand how being in the midst of those people made me feel terrible, while being with non-christians felt more uplifting/less judgmental/more safe. I think it’s because so many people within the church seek to live honestly with their struggles, and I didn’t want to think about what I was going through, I didn’t want to be asked, I just wanted to hide from the pain.

Oh what I wouldn’t give to just love Jesus and walk with him like I used to. We were so close. He was my best friend. And now, I feel like He’s moved on. Like he was my imaginary friend and has decided to make me grow up from my childhood fantasies. I feel like I’m the desperate one post break-up who just doesn’t get why things had to end.

Right now, there are so many people who think I’m still the girl who loves and leads with a godly heart, and earnest faith. Oh if I could only just BE that person again. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time. There are moments, when I feel so lost. Because now, with all of these questions- if God isn’t real. If Jesus didn’t live and die for me. If my whole relationship with this “living” “loving” God has been a lie, then my whole life’s purpose has been shattered. I still live for love. I still live for people. I still believe every person is created/here with a purpose. I just don’t know what is at the root of that purpose anymore. And I’m not saying that I reject the idea that God exists either, I’m simply admitting that I struggle with it immensely. This is NOT where I wanted to be at 26 years old. This is NOT how I wanted to feel, and this is a faith journey/struggle that I NEVER expected, perhaps that was my problem: believing that this “Blessed Assurance” would never leave me.

I’ll leave you with my last journal entry, I think it really captures the internal battle that wages on. I can’t face the thoughts in my soul, but maybe someone else is struggling with this too. Power to you, my fellow desperate faith-vagabonds, my soul aches for you and with you and our journeys. I hope and pray (to anyOne who will listen and care) is that your souls find rest and peace.

December 14, 2015

I’m back. It’s been another long haul. I wish I could blame my silence on the fact that I can’t find my journal, but the fact of the matter is that I was avoiding the act of journalling. I didn’t want to self-reflect. I didn’t want to think about the things that have been consuming my mind– the questions and fears that I have been relentlessly pushing as far away as possible. There is a dark, ugly, black pit in the midst of my soul and I fear it grows everyday.

Doubt.

I lack faith in all regards. I lack it in a way that I have never known; In a way that terrifies me, yet brings me to a new horizon of true, honest questioning.

For the first time, I’m standing in an understanding of how calloused, insensitive, and ridiculous Christianity can sound to an unbelieving mind. Sadly, that is because I currently possess such a mind.

Although, most days, I still can’t admit it. It hurts too much.  I still possess all of the “Biblical, Apologetic knowlege”  that my hungry mind and eager soul has consumed over the years. My mind, when I allow it, is wrought with an internal struggle; an endless debate.  I desperately long for intimacy with Jesus, yet feel hopelessly lost in the thought that He might exist solely as an imaginary character that I have loved, cherished, and clung to all of these years because a religion enabled it. Simultaneously, my flaws are both embraced and disgraced. I love and hate myself because 1. God is love, yet 2. He “calls me to be Holy and Righteous, which are attributes far from how I would describe myself these days.  I celebrate and despise myself because we should love everyone, including ourselves but I still wonder how that lines up with conservative Christian opinions on many topics.

However, in the midst of this struggle, I have never felt more earnest, genuine, or willing to be unbiased in my questioning.  Is THAT love? Am I ignorant? Who is right? Can love and righteousness co-exist? How can/does love have limits? Can faith and science be reconciled? Where does faith come from?

For the first time in my entire life, no answers bring me peace.  Nothing makes me feel safe, nothing makes me feel sure of anything except that I am sure that I will never be the same. I will never fit in where I once did– and I will never fully understand any of the ideas that I currently question.

I say this out of desperation, not of arrogance– I’m not sure if there are any answers that exist that I haven’t heard, nor speeches that could help me in this journey. I’ve always been one to enjoy the journey of life, but this one can’t help but feel like a massive shackle that I will never shake. It all seems too big.

I still find myself talking to whom I used to call Jesus. I still call Him Jesus. Because I’m not prepared to give up on “It” being Him. He’s all I’ve ever known– But I can’t deny this growing knot inside. “What if I just needed Jesus to exist? What if I just believed that He is there so that I could feel more at peace about the unknowns in life? What if I want to be a Christian so that I can be the person that everyone has thought me to be?” I’m trying so hard. I only hope that if I’m totally wrong, and that the God I’ve loved and served with my whole heart for over 25 years is truly there listening and loving me- that He truly is as patient and kind as I always used to say that He was; As kind, and patient, and loving as I believe that He would be.

God, if you are real, I desperately need you to show me.  I don’t know how I go from believing with every fibre of my being that you love me and hear me and care for me, to this listless sense that I’ve been living a lie and talking to an imaginary being for my whole life.
What is happening? Why can’t I feel you? I know, I know.. it’s not you, it’s me, right? You’ve never left.. I’m the one who “turned away”, right? But why, when I’m turning and turning and turning around, I still don’t see you? I still don’t feel you?
Emotionally, everything inside of me wants you to be true; to be real; to not be a fairy tale.  But I can’t wish you into reality anymore than I could with a dragon. I want to be sure that you are real- that would be easier.  All I know is that my so-called faith as of late is nothing more that this: a desperate hope that you are true.  But for my lack of trust, I can’t help but feel as though I wouldn’t really deserve your love if it is there.

love ehjae

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A new year doesn’t mean no tears

Happy New Year.

I wish I could sit here and fill your hearts with inspiration, but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.  I spent the New Year surrounded by people, yet feeling completely alone. In truth, I’m writing this post half out of desperation to escape the tears I’ve been crying in the darkness of my house, and partially to reach out to those of you who are in the same place as me.  You are not alone.

2014 has been a year full of milestones for me.  My business has been flourishing, doors have opened, and I’ve had recognition in ways I could never have imagined. The opportunities are endless.  However, the past year has also been full of heartache, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

There have been days when the darkness suffocated me, and I hid my tears and anxiety under the covers of my bed.  I know people don’t understand because I can be laughing and having fun, but they don’t see the emptiness I can be feeling in the midst of my laughter.   While it’s true that I’m having fun in those moments, nothing can fill the skeleton that has overtaken my soul.

While Jesus remains the hope I cling to, somedays it just doesn’t feel like He is enough. My one saving grace has been expressing these emotions through my art and poetry.  I’ve also begun to speak to someone who has professional insight into the biology behind the darkness I live within. I highly recommend it.

While everyone else has been excitedly writing new resolutions and plans for their futures, I’m barely holding on while the thoughts are crashing in: another year may bring many more sleepless nights and this overwhelming sense of despair will come back to steal more of my joy.

My New Years resolution is nothing new at all. If anything it is a revolution against painted smiles and being shamed into silence.  I desire to be transparent with my emotions, find strength in my weaknesses, to speak truth into darkness and shed light onto desperately lonely places. So this is to my dear ones who have stumbled upon this blog, desperate to know they are not alone in this world, seeking a place to be heard:

You are not alone in your sadness.  You are not alone in your despair.  The darkness will NOT overcome you. Stay strong, beautiful ones. You are stronger than you know.

love ehjae

 

 

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm

http://depressionhurts.ca/

http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/depression/

http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/health_information/a_z_mental_health_and_addiction_information/depression/Pages/default.aspx

I’m not sorry for what I’m about to say.

There’s a part of me inside that is wanting to curl up and hide somewhere instead of writing this post. But another part of me has been screaming loudly, boiling my blood, reminding me that words like these must be spoken, no matter the hour, no matter the potential loss. I’m shaking as I write this because I’m scared of how this could be taken.  But I’m writing it because I’m scared of a world where we don’t speak up.

Earlier, I was out with some friends at the bar. A young woman walked in wearing a beautiful sundress, walking in heels. Some of the people seated at my table made faces at each other, and when they saw me catch their gaze in disdain, the justification was this “She wanted us to look at her if she came the bar dressed like that.”

Shock.

Anger.

Hurt.

Disappointment.

Silence.

Deafening Silence. I couldn’t say a word.

So the only logical reason that she was dressed up was for your visual stimulation? Since when are women only allowed to wear what you’ve dictated as “suitable bar clothing” without “inviting” lewd eye gawking and stupid comments? And dressing nicely suddenly means she’s a slut, or asking for attention? We’ve definitely come a long way in our modern era.

1 in 4 women are victims of sexual assault or know someone who has been a victim.

Common statements made by the perpetrators?( http://project-unbreakable.org/)

“It wasn’t rape, you were being such a tease.”

“You know you want it”

Now some of you are thinking, “Whoa, it’s just a girl at the bar. It’s just some dudes admiring her from afar. This isn’t rape.”

You’re right. It’s not. But it also isn’t really admiring her, because what was said to me revealed a lot more than what they thought of her appearance.

What that statement is doing is perpetrating the mentality that women are inviting disrespect and degradation in how they act or how they dress.  In fact, a person’s inability to honour a human being as a human being and not as a piece of meat tells me that they aren’t much more than a piece of flesh themselves. Let me tell you something about rape. It’s dehumanizing. It leaves the victim feeling completely worthless. The biggest struggle? Self-blame. Shame. Guilt. Self-hatred. Where does this come from? hmm.. I wonder. Perhaps it is this idea that a violating action or a debasing comment is somehow NOT the violator or the speaker’s fault because it was somehow provoked.

Let me ask you this, is it OK for a human being to ever be degraded below their fundamental worth? Because when I listen to you tear apart a girl because “her face isn’t hot, but she’s got great cannons” it shocks me. Then it disappoints me. It used to silence me because I didn’t want to be labelled as that girl who is “too uptight” or “takes things too seriously.”

I’m done letting people talk about other human beings like that.

I’m done being silent.

I’m not going to apologize for taking human worth “too seriously.”

So I’m not sorry at all.

Jane Galbreath & Hope for Her International

Founder of Hope for Her International
Jane Galbreath, Founder of Hope for Her International

Jane Galbreath is a fascinating human being.  If her dancing curls or her adorable dimples don’t captivate your heart, it will be her passion and gentle strength encased within a tenacious vulnerability that will grab your attention. A couple weeks ago, she contacted me regarding an upcoming fundraiser. I told her I would be happy to meet up and see how I could help out.  In our meeting together, she told me about the non-for-profit that she has founded and wondered if I would be willing to help her promote a fundraiser.  We met together to chat about her organization and I realized that people would naturally desire to get involved after hearing her heart.

Originally from Scotland, Jane moved to Canada in June 2004 when she was 18 years old. She left Scotland to travel and experience the world and to find a place of safety and healing from experiences in her past. Now holding a permanent resident status, Saskatoon is the home where she has found that safety and healing.  At first, after meeting such a vibrant human full of love and care, one wouldn’t expect such a dark history to have overshadowed her earlier years.  “I come from a background with sexual violence. I know the heartache and the shame that come from this, but I also know the strength that comes when you can make it to the other side and work through these things. I believe that survivors of violence are the answer to some of the issues” As a victim of sexual violence, Jane has walked through incredible pain and has struggled to find her healing and peace.  That violence which once enveloped her with shame and confusion has now led her to a place of personal strength and propelled her forward with clarity.

“We believe that when a community doesn’t accept [sexual violence] as normal, that it will stop”

In September 2013, Jane founded Hope for Her International. ““Hope for Her International is focused on ending sexual violence against women and girls, existing on a local and global level to collaboratively cultivate communities that won’t accept sexual violence as the norm. We believe that when a community doesn’t accept [sexual violence] as normal, that it will stop” Jane’s passion is not blinded by revenge or bitterness. The main goal behind Hope for Her International is in supporting communities to change the perspective surrounding incidences of sexual violence.  Hope for Her International is founded with a purpose that can seem impossible at times, but Jane’s vulnerable courage and fierce dedication to ending sexual violence seem like the perfect fit for such an organization. Finding her own hope and freedom was the catalyst that mobilized her into founding Hope for Her International.

 I want people to know that there is hope and that, as a community, we can bring an end to sexual violence.

“Why focus on issues of sexual violence? It’s a really hard topic, and it’s a topic that brings out a lot of shame and fear in people.  From a personal perspective, I’ve been a victim of sexual violence and I know the heartache and the shame and the hopelessness it creates, but I also know what it’s like to come out the other side as a survivor. I believe that victims of sexual violence can [find freedom and strength] with the help and support of their community, family and friends. So my desire is to use my own story as a way to tell other people about the issues that come with sexual violence and to advocate for survivors.  I want people to know that there is hope and that, as a community, we can bring an end to sexual violence. Jane and is not trained in counselling or support for victims of sexual violence, but she does understand the struggle in overcoming such an experience. She encourages any victims needing help to contact her and she will point them in the right direction to find support.

THERE IS HOPE

Founder of Hope for Her International
Jane Galbreath, Founder of Hope for Her International

“My message to people who have experienced sexual violence would be that it’s not your fault. It’s not your shame. You deserve to get help. And the last thing I want to say to you is no matter what happened; no matter how often; no matter how old or young you were; no matter how extreme it was, it was horrific and there is hope to come out of this. There is hope.”

 

How can you get involved?

On Wednesday June 11th, at 7pm Hope for Her International will be hosting its first fundraiser sponsored by Stephanie Schlosser with the Investors Group at the Broadway Theatre in Saskatoon.  Tickets are $15 in advance and are available online at www.hopeforher.ca/events.  The event will feature a viewing of the award winning documentary “Girl Rising.” All proceeds from this fundraiser will be used towards working with women and girls forced into prostitution in South East Asia, as well as towards the continued development of Hope for Her International’s work on a local level.

 

Links:

Buy tickets for the Hope for Her International fundraiser: www.hopeforher.ca/events

Visit the Facebook Page for the upcoming event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1422213631379938/

Follow Hope for Her International on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopeforherinternational?ref=br_tf

Visit the Hope for Her blog: https://hopeforherblog.wordpress.com/tag/hope-for-her-international/

 

Have you experience sexual violence?

You are not alone. There is hope. Talk to someone.
http://saskatoonsexualassaultcentre.com/

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/teens/home/splash.aspx

http://saskatoonsexualassaultcentre.com/

http://www.awhl.org/

 

the change in my life

Over the past couple of years, my life has consisted of so much change. Since I graduated from high school, I’ve moved 9 times. My heart has gone on more rollercoasters than I would care to admit. I’ve gone to school, then not gone to school, then back to school more times than I want to even figure out.  These are all things I’ve chosen to pursue.

It’s taken me THIS long to realize that I’ve had the wrong perspective. I’ve been praying about everything the wrong way.

Every time something changed, every time my heart broke and the ground fell out from underneath me, I clung to this:

I trusted that God had a plan.

I prayed for my circumstances to change and come into alignment with that plan; That something crazy would happen so that I would know with absolute certainty what the future held.

But that’s not really what needed to change. My Heart needed to change.

I’m not saying that it’s bad to pray for a change in circumstances, but I don’t want that to be the first priority. Now, I’m trying to pray for my heart to come into alignment with His regardless of my circumstances.  Why not declare the things that are known to be true over the uncertainties that give me anxiety? No matter how I feel, even if the numbness has overtaken me, I will declare His truth.

Life is uncertain and full of change, I don’t know what’s next.

He is unchanging, forever the same and one thing that I do know is that He is good.

I stumbled upon this song today accidentally, but it totally expressed what I’ve been feeling in my heart. This song is a declaration of the truths that God has been revealing to me lately. I’m overwhelmed with the ways that He continues to remind me every day about how much He knows my heart and cares about me.

His light shines and my heart glows.

What’s going on with Ehjae?

What’s going on with Ehjae?
Many of you have been wondering this for the past little while.  If you haven’t been, now you probably are.
Let me start off by saying that I have been through possibly the most topsy-turvy, stressful, emotional, life-giving, spirit-filled, faith-testing, yet irrational times of my life to date.
Yet, after that segue, I still feel like I don’t have the right words to describe what I have been going through.
However, I am a person of many words.. too many words as some of you are well aware, and I can’t keep this to myself because the things that God has been doing have been too full of His goodness.
Some of you may have been aware that I went to Africa this summer, then from there I moved out to BC. My original plan was that I would work and then attend Trinity Western beginning in the fall of 2013.
After applying at more jobs than I have ever even considered in my life prior to this, I got a job, however that fell apart quickly. I was treated unfairly (and have yet to even receive pay for the work that I did do there. (Don’t worry, I will contact the labour board if I still don’t have it soon.)
What followed was one of the darkest times of my life.  I couldn’t find work. I couldn’t find a place to call my home.  After being so loved and allowed to love and minister to people at Ebenezer, I found it incredibly difficult. I prayed that God would open my eyes to see where he would have me serve in BC.  I learned a lot about God’s family.  I was challenged in my perspective of where and who I could call home and family.   (I talked about this in a previous blog)
As I watched my bank account drain, in my moments of despair and distress I was blessed to see that God is my provider.  As money would miraculously appear from someone, I would receive a generous discount on services, suddenly I would have just enough for what I needed.
In the early days of me living in BC, I applied for a job at an airline.  I was very hopeful that something would come of it, but unsure whether I was who they wanted.  It was in the midst of a very dark time that I heard back from them and was asked to fly to Calgary at my own expense to interview for a possible opening.  I pray about it and I sensed within my heart that if I didn’t do it, I would regret it.  I also sensed that if I didn’t do it, I would know that it would be because I didn’t trust that God would take care of me. I was terrified of the extra costs of flying at my own expense, but I knew that I should do it.
In that 2 day time frame of booking flights, packing and ending up in Calgary, it just happened to work out that a friend of mine was driving home for the weekend from Edmonton.  I bought a cheap bus pass and ended up at home unexpectedly.
While at home, I felt like God gave me a fresh perspective. (Here’s the blog post )
I was not choosing the joy and peace that He offers to us every day.  I was choosing to see the negatives and the failures.  I had chosen to see the worst of myself and my situation.  In that week, I was reminded of my responsibility.  It wasn’t to find a job.. it was to trust God and choose joy.  So, with new energy, I set out to do what I could.  If I couldn’t work, why not go to Trinity in January? I applied to Trinity and waited to hear back.  I was still not at peace about attending, but I couldn’t know why that was, and I didn’t know what else to do.  All I sensed when I prayed was that I was supposed to WAIT.
I returned to BC rejuvenated and reminded of God’s faithfulness.  At this point, I was absolutely, completely uncertain of what would come, but for once in my life, I wasn’t fazed by that.  God had shown up. I trusted him.  I knew that He would do good things. So, we took it day by day..
There is nothing greater than sitting in the midst of chaos and having utter peace because you know that the presence of the Lord is in your midst and NOTHING can shake you. Nothing.
I decided that if walking with God in absolute faith for each unknown upcoming moment but having this peace that literally surpasses ALL kinds of understanding meant financial instability, looking absolutely irrationa,l and life not always making sense..then I’d choose it every day for the rest of my life.
Once I came home, I realized that even though I thought my lessons were over, God hadn’t even begun yet. We went on this journey of discovering what it was that I actually want to do.  My answer has changed throughout the years, and I have never been able to give a solid answer because the truth is that I didn’t know.  I could come up with really great sounding answers, but something never really felt quite right about the options I allowed myself to consider.
I realized that life as a people-pleaser has made me completely unable to make a decision based on what I actually want.  I also realized that it’s not bad to have a dream or a desire or to pursue them.  I guess I always thought that it was selfish on some level. I am learning about choices.. choosing what direction to go, choosing joy over despair, choosing truth over lies, choosing to protect myself from words, situations and lies that hurt me.. and choosing to stand in the authority of the truth of who I am in Christ over anything the enemy tries to throw at me.
After isolating myself from people, and not allowing myself to ask people for their opinions, I finally encountered a feeling of freedom in deciding what I want to do.
So to answer your questions, I am back. I am going to pursue my love of photography full-time. All cards in, fully committed to my dream. I want a  degree, so I’m going to study business. I wanted to be back, and I’m allowed to want to be here. It’s not selfish.  It took me a long time to realize that.  I`m still realizing it.
There are so many things that God has been revealing to me about myself. I need to grow in so many ways, it seems impossible when I think about it.  I know that I am SO far from even grasping at where I would love to be. But then Holy Spirit comes in and gives me that fresh, truthful perspective and reminds me that I can’t fix those things on my own.  In walking in faith, trusting His word in humility and eager expectation, I know that God will complete these current renovations in my life in His good timing.  It’s just the beginning, and I am so ready for what’s next.
A really crazy thing that happened was the day that I decided that photography was what I wanted to do, and had just sent in my application to study commerce,  I actually heard back from the airline that I had been successful and I had a job offer! Of course, the rational response would be that I should’ve been jumping at the opportunity.  All that I saw though was that I had finally figured out what I wanted to do, and pursuing this crazy lifestyle change and working with the airline would have jeopardized my dream and my desires.  For the first time in my life, I was able to make a solid decision based upon what I thought would be best in my life, despite what would probably make more sense.  What a huge opportunity! But it was the wrong opportunity for me.  So I graciously turned down the job.
I am so full of joy. I am so full of thankfulness.  I am so full of peace.  Yet, I can’t actually describe the freedom and this sense of knowing, TRULY KNOWING, that God is with me.
Thank you to those of you who have spoken truth to me.  You have no idea how timely your words were or how desperately I needed to be reminded of the things that you shared with me.  Know that you are a blessing and that you have been God’s hands and feet and mouth of truth.
(If you’re wondering whether this is you, it probably is you..)I am still so far from where I need to be, or who I want to be.  Now I at least know who I want to be, and I have this undying peace because I know without a doubt that beside me walks a God who loves me, delights in me and desires to be with me every step of the way.

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”
C. S. Lewis
Couple of things that spoke to me:
Prayers For All Seasons Sermon Series (Leyton and Scott)
Hebrews 12
Romans 8
Psalm 32
Psalm 136
Psalm 138
Psalm 23
(Pretty much the entire book of Psalms)
Forgotten God- Francis Chan