Happy New Year.
I wish I could sit here and fill your hearts with inspiration, but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. I spent the New Year surrounded by people, yet feeling completely alone. In truth, I’m writing this post half out of desperation to escape the tears I’ve been crying in the darkness of my house, and partially to reach out to those of you who are in the same place as me. You are not alone.
2014 has been a year full of milestones for me. My business has been flourishing, doors have opened, and I’ve had recognition in ways I could never have imagined. The opportunities are endless. However, the past year has also been full of heartache, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
There have been days when the darkness suffocated me, and I hid my tears and anxiety under the covers of my bed. I know people don’t understand because I can be laughing and having fun, but they don’t see the emptiness I can be feeling in the midst of my laughter. While it’s true that I’m having fun in those moments, nothing can fill the skeleton that has overtaken my soul.
While Jesus remains the hope I cling to, somedays it just doesn’t feel like He is enough. My one saving grace has been expressing these emotions through my art and poetry. I’ve also begun to speak to someone who has professional insight into the biology behind the darkness I live within. I highly recommend it.
While everyone else has been excitedly writing new resolutions and plans for their futures, I’m barely holding on while the thoughts are crashing in: another year may bring many more sleepless nights and this overwhelming sense of despair will come back to steal more of my joy.
My New Years resolution is nothing new at all. If anything it is a revolution against painted smiles and being shamed into silence. I desire to be transparent with my emotions, find strength in my weaknesses, to speak truth into darkness and shed light onto desperately lonely places. So this is to my dear ones who have stumbled upon this blog, desperate to know they are not alone in this world, seeking a place to be heard:
You are not alone in your sadness. You are not alone in your despair. The darkness will NOT overcome you. Stay strong, beautiful ones. You are stronger than you know.