What’s going on with Ehjae?
Many of you have been wondering this for the past little while. If you haven’t been, now you probably are.
Let me start off by saying that I have been through possibly the most topsy-turvy, stressful, emotional, life-giving, spirit-filled, faith-testing, yet irrational times of my life to date.
Yet, after that segue, I still feel like I don’t have the right words to describe what I have been going through.
However, I am a person of many words.. too many words as some of you are well aware, and I can’t keep this to myself because the things that God has been doing have been too full of His goodness.
Some of you may have been aware that I went to Africa this summer, then from there I moved out to BC. My original plan was that I would work and then attend Trinity Western beginning in the fall of 2013.
After applying at more jobs than I have ever even considered in my life prior to this, I got a job, however that fell apart quickly. I was treated unfairly (and have yet to even receive pay for the work that I did do there. (Don’t worry, I will contact the labour board if I still don’t have it soon.)
What followed was one of the darkest times of my life. I couldn’t find work. I couldn’t find a place to call my home. After being so loved and allowed to love and minister to people at Ebenezer, I found it incredibly difficult. I prayed that God would open my eyes to see where he would have me serve in BC. I learned a lot about God’s family. I was challenged in my perspective of where and who I could call home and family. (I talked about this in a previous blog)
As I watched my bank account drain, in my moments of despair and distress I was blessed to see that God is my provider. As money would miraculously appear from someone, I would receive a generous discount on services, suddenly I would have just enough for what I needed.
In the early days of me living in BC, I applied for a job at an airline. I was very hopeful that something would come of it, but unsure whether I was who they wanted. It was in the midst of a very dark time that I heard back from them and was asked to fly to Calgary at my own expense to interview for a possible opening. I pray about it and I sensed within my heart that if I didn’t do it, I would regret it. I also sensed that if I didn’t do it, I would know that it would be because I didn’t trust that God would take care of me. I was terrified of the extra costs of flying at my own expense, but I knew that I should do it.
In that 2 day time frame of booking flights, packing and ending up in Calgary, it just happened to work out that a friend of mine was driving home for the weekend from Edmonton. I bought a cheap bus pass and ended up at home unexpectedly.
While at home, I felt like God gave me a fresh perspective. (Here’s the blog post )
I was not choosing the joy and peace that He offers to us every day. I was choosing to see the negatives and the failures. I had chosen to see the worst of myself and my situation. In that week, I was reminded of my responsibility. It wasn’t to find a job.. it was to trust God and choose joy. So, with new energy, I set out to do what I could. If I couldn’t work, why not go to Trinity in January? I applied to Trinity and waited to hear back. I was still not at peace about attending, but I couldn’t know why that was, and I didn’t know what else to do. All I sensed when I prayed was that I was supposed to WAIT.
I returned to BC rejuvenated and reminded of God’s faithfulness. At this point, I was absolutely, completely uncertain of what would come, but for once in my life, I wasn’t fazed by that. God had shown up. I trusted him. I knew that He would do good things. So, we took it day by day..
There is nothing greater than sitting in the midst of chaos and having utter peace because you know that the presence of the Lord is in your midst and NOTHING can shake you. Nothing.
I decided that if walking with God in absolute faith for each unknown upcoming moment but having this peace that literally surpasses ALL kinds of understanding meant financial instability, looking absolutely irrationa,l and life not always making sense..then I’d choose it every day for the rest of my life.
Once I came home, I realized that even though I thought my lessons were over, God hadn’t even begun yet. We went on this journey of discovering what it was that I actually want to do. My answer has changed throughout the years, and I have never been able to give a solid answer because the truth is that I didn’t know. I could come up with really great sounding answers, but something never really felt quite right about the options I allowed myself to consider.
I realized that life as a people-pleaser has made me completely unable to make a decision based on what I actually want. I also realized that it’s not bad to have a dream or a desire or to pursue them. I guess I always thought that it was selfish on some level. I am learning about choices.. choosing what direction to go, choosing joy over despair, choosing truth over lies, choosing to protect myself from words, situations and lies that hurt me.. and choosing to stand in the authority of the truth of who I am in Christ over anything the enemy tries to throw at me.
After isolating myself from people, and not allowing myself to ask people for their opinions, I finally encountered a feeling of freedom in deciding what I want to do.
So to answer your questions, I am back. I am going to pursue my love of photography full-time. All cards in, fully committed to my dream. I want a degree, so I’m going to study business. I wanted to be back, and I’m allowed to want to be here. It’s not selfish. It took me a long time to realize that. I`m still realizing it.
There are so many things that God has been revealing to me about myself. I need to grow in so many ways, it seems impossible when I think about it. I know that I am SO far from even grasping at where I would love to be. But then Holy Spirit comes in and gives me that fresh, truthful perspective and reminds me that I can’t fix those things on my own. In walking in faith, trusting His word in humility and eager expectation, I know that God will complete these current renovations in my life in His good timing. It’s just the beginning, and I am so ready for what’s next.
A really crazy thing that happened was the day that I decided that photography was what I wanted to do, and had just sent in my application to study commerce, I actually heard back from the airline that I had been successful and I had a job offer! Of course, the rational response would be that I should’ve been jumping at the opportunity. All that I saw though was that I had finally figured out what I wanted to do, and pursuing this crazy lifestyle change and working with the airline would have jeopardized my dream and my desires. For the first time in my life, I was able to make a solid decision based upon what I thought would be best in my life, despite what would probably make more sense. What a huge opportunity! But it was the wrong opportunity for me. So I graciously turned down the job.
I am so full of joy. I am so full of thankfulness. I am so full of peace. Yet, I can’t actually describe the freedom and this sense of knowing, TRULY KNOWING, that God is with me.
Thank you to those of you who have spoken truth to me. You have no idea how timely your words were or how desperately I needed to be reminded of the things that you shared with me. Know that you are a blessing and that you have been God’s hands and feet and mouth of truth.
(If you’re wondering whether this is you, it probably is you..)I am still so far from where I need to be, or who I want to be. Now I at least know who I want to be, and I have this undying peace because I know without a doubt that beside me walks a God who loves me, delights in me and desires to be with me every step of the way.
Couple of things that spoke to me:
Prayers For All Seasons Sermon Series (Leyton and Scott)
(Pretty much the entire book of Psalms)
Forgotten God- Francis Chan