The past year has required a lot of trust and obedience from me.
I don’t know how many times God has gently answered me with “just trust me.”
It has always been a genuine comfort.. usually resulting in tears and repentance of some kind. Until very recently, for a couple of weeks, I would respond with a mental temper tantrum. “I don’t want to trust. I don’t want you to need to be faithful. I’m tired of you being faithful. I’m tired of you putting me in situations where you can be faithful. This is dumb. You’re dumb. My life is dumb. ” (I’m obviously really mature)
In all honesty, I was tired and exhausted because I wasn’t trusting at all.. so I was putting a lot of effort in to try and make things work out for myself.
Almost exactly a year ago, I felt like I had clarity that I would be here this year. I figured it would be because I was going to be pursuing my studies at Trinity Western. But as the year went on, I realized that it wasn’t for Trinity, although as far as I know I will be attending next year. I knew with absolute certainty that I was to move here, but I didn’t know why. I just felt peace about it.
So here I am. It doesn’t make any logical sense.
Some days I am so lonely for my home, for my family, for my friends and for my church family.
A lot has happened. I think I need to share it because it’s pretty cool how God provides for us.
Very soon after I arrived, my van broke down. I was pretty upset because Big Red has been with me since the beginning and she’s served me well. More than that, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the extra costs. So goodbye Big Red 😦
I was a little scared by the economy out here. I put out like a million resumes, but was encouraged when a pretty big company hired me. It seemed like a crazy process, but I was positive and ready to start working. They asked for my full availability and assured me that I would be able to get full time hours if I wanted. A month after being hired, they had only been giving me around 2 hrs of “training” a week and I was desperately trying to pass all of their “requirements” to actually start working for real. I actually started applying for other jobs. I think that was because I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be working for them. After stringing me along, they informed me that they didn’t see a “future with me in the company.” At least this way, I will finally have a paycheque in my hands after working my butt off for almost nothing for them.
I had been pretty confident in my abilities as a server, and this pretty much destroyed my confidence. I wasn’t upset that I wouldn’t be working for them, I was more upset that they didn’t want me.
It was really demoralizing for me and in a way, my self-esteem has been decimated. I have never felt so rejected by so many companies and so completely useless.
I was in a pretty dark place for a while. I’m just so thankful for John who has been patient and understanding and supportive of me even when I was a complete jerk to him.
It really turned around when I realized that I had $10.74 in my bank account. I freaked out because I was trying to trust that God would provide, but it really didn’t seem like he was.
But here is a list of things that happened in the week that followed:
-I got $ for Big Red’s funeral.. she was crushed. (I couldn’t afford a grave)…. Flowers can be sent to Ford in Memorandum
-I was contacted by the sweet woman who manages finances at Valley View and was informed that my dear friends there wanted to bless me with some more money
-I found an old paycheque
-In the span of one week, I spoke with 2 very dear friends from home on the phone and actually got a special visit from another. I had been incredibly lonely and somewhat homesick for my people back in Sk, so it was exactly what I needed.
-I left the worst job situation I have ever encountered to date. I can’t explain the freedom that I felt after being released from that prison. I didn’t see it while I was there, because I was trying so hard to be positive, but I am so thankful that God has something different in store for me.
-I made a video about the Uganda trip to be played at my home church.
The video is about God’s family and how His people are all my family no matter where I go. (I posted it at the bottom)
The same Sunday that my Uganda team family was playing that video at my Ebenezer church, the church that John and I have been attending was focusing on what being a member of God’s family together is like.
How crazy is that? I know some people would think that is a coincidence, but I know better. That was God’s words of encouragement to me.
I knew I would be leaving after a year at Ebenezer, but in spite of that, I really wanted to invest everything I could to my family there. I knew it would be hard to leave, but I’m thankful that it was such a hard tear to make. My heart is broken by the separation, yet joyful for having been there and encountered what God was and is still doing there.
I do miss my family. I miss Ebenezer and I miss being a part of it there. But I have an opportunity to be a part of this church here, and I’ve already been asked to serve in youth ministry, which is where my heart beats.
Just now I had a quick conversation with a fellow YWAMer about being called into something new. He’s pretty much found himself called to move, just like I did. I don’t think it’s a coincidence for either of us that God led us to have this conversation. I needed the reminder of why I am here and what God called me to do in trusting and obeying him in the first place.
So once again, I am reminded of how important we are to each other in God’s family, no matter where we are or what we are doing. He is with us. He knows our need and he will never leave us, no matter how dark the road, or how many temper tantrums we might throw in His face. AND no matter where we go, there will always be His hands and feet, or ears, or mouths who are speaking His words to us for Him.